6 Tips to Get Over a Crush
The Urban Dictionary defines a crush as “a burning desire to be with someone who you find very attractive and extremely special.” Crushes come in all shapes and sizes. Your crush can be mild or strong; it can last for just a few days or months, even years.
Call it infatuation, attraction, or burning desire, let’s face it; we are all vulnerable to crushes: Male or female, young or old, and married or single. It is not immediately obvious why that one person triggers the physical sensations we associate with having a crush: Feeling weak all over, the heart beating faster, or having “butterflies in the pit of your stomach.” Neurochemicals released into your body cause feelings. The release of these chemicals is involuntary hence there is no need to waste time feeling guilty about having a crush.
The crux of the matter is that we do have control over what actions we take based on how we feel. That is why there are some crashes we need to get over.
On the positive side, being infatuated can make us feel alive and happy. The intense feelings can motivate us to find out if they are mutual. If they are, your crush could mature into a deep, enduring love resulting in an excellent, lifelong relationship.
On the downside, crushes can make us miserable if the person we are “crushing on” is unavailable or uninterested. That is why most crushes, should and do fizzle out.
1. When Do I Need to Crush a Crush?
Individual crushes are too hot to handle, and some crushes last longer than is healthy for us. A few crushes turn into obsessions which are serious roadblocks to our emotional growth and maturity.
So, how do I decide if I need to crush my crush? If you check off one or more of the following, you need to start planning how to crush your crush.
- I or the person I have a crush on is married or in a committed relationship.
- I supervise or teach the person I have a crush on.
- The person I have a crush on is my boss or my teacher.
- I am a whole lot younger or older than the person I have a crush on.
- The person I have a crush on is related to my ex.
- I feel that I am being “strung along” by the person I have a crush on.
- My close friends and my family members are worried about my crush and have told me that he or she is manipulating me.
- The person I am infatuated with regularly insults me, asks me for money, hits me or uses me sexually.
- Thoughts of the person I have a crush on are taking up more and more of my head space, and I am losing interest in going out with my friends or engaging in activities I usually enjoy.
- I am feeling depressed and down on myself because of my crush.
- Telling my crush how I feel would compromise my firmly held beliefs or value system.
2. 5 “Accept-Reality” Lists
Scott Peck began his book “The Road Less Traveled” with this sentence: “The truth will set you free, but first it will make you damn mad.” So, the first part of this tip is the hardest – admitting the truth of your feelings to yourself and the fact that despite your powerful emotions, this crush is not good for you.
So, take a deep breath, then take a good look at yourself in the mirror and honestly express how you feel about the person you are infatuated with. Let it all hang out, voice the gory details of your inner most passion for this person. Many people find that giving voice to intense feelings has the surprising effect of diffusing some of their power.
List 1 – 10 Good Reasons to Ditch This Crush
Unlock the bathroom door, go to your desk, take a pen and paper and list the reasons why you want to get over this crush – make yourself find at least ten.
List 2 – Flaws and Faults
Make a list of all your crush’s faults and flaws, even those you chose to overlook when the infatuation began as too petty, like his hands are too small or she bites her fingernails.
List 3 – Negative Consequences
If the reason you want to crush this crush has to do with its inappropriateness, make a list of the results hooking up with this person would have on your reputation, your future hopes, your job, your relationships, and your opinion of yourself.
List 4 – Positive Traits of My Partner
If you are married or in a committed relationship, list all the pluses of your current partner – think back on when you met and what attracted you two in the first place. Remember to include the hopes and dreams you share, your plans for a future together, and the high moments of your life together.
List 5 – Qualities of My Ideal Relationship
If you are single, make a list of what your ideal relationship would look like. I said relationship, not a partner, so do not pull this list from your daydreams about your crush. Instead, include things like: How you want your partner to treat you, whether or not you want children, how important money is to you, whether you want a secure, stay-at-home partner or one that loves adventure and travel. Don’t forget about shared spiritual values and political views or the kind of profession, interests, hobbies, sports you want your future partner to have.
Reviewing this list often and adding to it, will help focus your attention on future possibilities, giving you hope that you will be able to recognize your partner.It can also help you realize why your current crush is not good for you.
Remember, getting over a crush takes time, so give yourself a lot of grace and do not expect overnight results.
3. Self Care
Start every day by looking at yourself in the mirror and telling yourself that you are a good, valuable, worthwhile person. That it is okay to feel sad about not having a relationship with your crush, that it is a new day and that you deserve to be happy, content and at peace with yourself in it.
Eat well, get enough sleep, drink enough water and get some exercise. Walking, running, playing a sport, going to the gym, all of these will boost your background mood and give you the energy you need to overcome your crush.
Express your feelings in a safe way, especially the angry or vindictive ones. If they remain bottled up, they can turn to bitterness and negativity which will only bring you down and damage future relationships. Writing down how you feel in a journal can help some people while others need a good friend who will listen without trying to offer solutions.
Treat yourself like your own best friend – find healthy and meaningful ways to pamper yourself. It can be as simple as taking a long, bubble bath with candles and soft music, or as extravagant as taking that trip you’ve always dreamed about.
Recognize that you are vulnerable and try your best to avoid developing harmful or self-destructive habits that provide short term relief: Over-eating, over indulgence in alcohol, dependency on psychoactive drugs.
Be aware that dealing with the pain of crushing one crush by developing a new crush is not the healthiest strategy. Neither is getting involved with someone you don’t care about, just to avoid the feelings of loss, loneliness or rejection.
If you are falling further down the rabbit hole, despite your best efforts, get help. Your friends and family are likely your first line of defense, but you will have to open up to them and share the details about the battle you are undergoing.
If this is too difficult, you may need to find a professional to talk to. Your family doctor is a good place to start. If you have strong faith, a trusted spiritual leader could provide the support you need. As well, work-place health benefits often include psychological counselors who are professionally obliged to keep your sessions confidential.
If you are married, it may be time to share your feelings with your spouse, or with your counselor.
Find literature, online or otherwise that will help you to realize there is hope for your situation and that you are not alone. Others have faced this problem and have overcome it.
5. The Three D’s – Distance/Distraction/Determination
Put physical and emotional distance between you and your crush.
If you belong to the same team, social group, classroom, or workplace, this can prove difficult, but not impossible. Decide, before you have to share space with your soon-to-be ex-crush, who you will talk to, where you will be, what you will do to avoid them. For example, if you and your crush regularly took the same fifteen-minute coffee break, switch the time. If you sat next to each other in class, change seats. If you are on the same team, make the best of it ‘til the end of the season, then join a different team. If you are in the same social group, spend a little less time with them, and hang out with those who are less close to your crush.
Focus on other members of your social group. Bow out of gab-fests with your crush. Get busy with work or studies. Choose things to do you know your crush does not enjoy.
Distract yourself with new interests. Start a new sport or hobby, find a new restaurant, or join a different gym. Invest in your future by taking a course that supports the future you. Volunteering can help you get your mind off your problems and introduce you to a whole new group of people: Coach a little league team, drive cancer patients to appointments, or shovel snow for seniors. If you are married or have a partner, include him or her in your new activities.
Maintain your commitment to crush your crush. It may take time, but remind yourself of all the reasons why you need to stay active. Keep reading through and adding to your “Accept Reality” lists.
6. What I Have Learned
As the intensity of your feelings wears off, try to step back a little from the situation. When you can, spend a little time thinking about the reasons your crush hit a brick wall. Why doesn’t your crush share your feelings, how do you behave around him or her, were there any early indicators that this wouldn’t work out for you, why did you choose someone who would not or could not return your affection, is there a pattern to your crushes?
The answers to these questions will give insight into your motivations and behavior so that you can recognize future futile crushes sooner. It can also help you choose actions that will make the crush less painful, such as finding out sooner rather than later whether or not your feelings are mutual.
If you were in a committed relationship when the crush struck you, look at the factors that might’ve made you ripe for a crush. Life changes, distancing from your partner, dissatisfaction with yourself, these can all predispose you to “crushing.”
If you use this knowledge to address the underlying causes of your vulnerability, it can strengthen your current relationship. For example, if the stress of too many life changes is driving your “crushability,” discussing these stressors with your spouse and finding ways to reduce the stress together can bring more intimacy into your relationship.
When the worst of the crush is over, try to pull out life lessons from this experience.Consider what it was about the person you became infatuated with that was so attractive. Sometimes, these qualities are hints about what is missing in your own life or your relationship with your partner. For example, if the person you were infatuated with was an artist, look for ways to be creative yourself like taking a painting course, or a dance workshop. If the individual was a sympathetic listener, try sharing more of yourself with your spouse; a good marriage counselor can help you with this.
The intensity of a crush can seem overwhelming, and we can feel helpless against it, but in almost every case, these feelings do decline if you choose not to inflame or encourage them.
Understanding the factors that triggered these feelings will give insight into yourself, your life and your relationships. Use these tips to make the positive changes that contribute to the life you want and deserve.